I am unable to photograph at the moment, creatively paralysed... unfortunately what I have been dreading, has happened. Although, given how vicious the disease was, it was also a relief.
I am trying not to ask too many questions as there are no answers. I often find myself asking why and pleading the air around me for her not to go. I ask myself ridiculous questions like if I had the power to stop death only by stopping birth would I choose it. And I know in my heart I wouldn't. I also know there is nothing I can do to change what is and what will be, but I'm not brave enough to accept that.
I've also found it strangely reassuring and ironic that the approach of death is similar to that of birth:
i. in natural circumstances, you cannot choose when you are born or when you die. Nature will and does take its course.
ii. in other areas of our lives we strive to organise, plan and take control of everything. Yet the moment in which we enter and leave this planet you cannot easily plan or prepare for. Only experiencing it will provide you with the wisdom to deal with it. And with both, how you respond to it will be a surprise.
iii. the miracle of birth and the mystery of death leave you with a sense of awe, fear and wonder. Your faith and the meaning of life are present in your thoughts.
iv. As well as being highly spirtual times, they are also very grounding. All emotions, senses and instincts are decidedly pronounced, clear and rarely wrong.
v. The event of birth and death leaves you irrevocably changed or altered forever.
vi. The elation of birth is equal in magnitude to the sorrow of death.
vii. Both are inevitable and should, but with difficulty, be embraced.
viii. Both leave you wondering about the strangeness and exquisiteness of life
viiii. The transition to and from life can be very painful both physically and mentally.
And finally . . .
One leaves you with happiness whilst with the other, happiness leaves you.
Damn it. If only . . .